Sometimes things happen and everything changes
This is a post about someone coming into my office, saying a handful of words that essentially pulled the rug out from underneath me and changed so much.
I know longer have an office with a bunch of people (some I like…some I never really did) that I go to everyday where I used to perform a job. A job that consisted of clicking and scrolling and list making and phone calling and lots of stuff like that.
I learned a few things this week:
1) Your relationship with your immediate supervisor is way more important than the quality of work you do.
2) Severance checks are kind of boss. I wanted to rage quit a week and a half ago…glad I waited it out.
3) Sometimes you’re afraid to make the big decisions and it requires someone else to make them for you. This is maddening and a huge relief at the same time.
So I’m here, at home with Olive. It’s everything I wanted since having her and then some. I’m going to look for another office job because collecting unemployment requires you to and I’m going to attempt to do some badass creative things that I hope turn into some money. It doesn’t have to be as much money as I was making at the office…just more than nothing. Shhh, don’t tell my father I said that.
I was let go on a Tuesday and the following day Alex drove to Alabama for his aunt’s funeral, her husband passed the week before and he needed to be there for his family. Which means I’ve been alone with Olive for five…one, two, three, four, FIVE days by myself.
I got what I wanted…time with my daughter. And I’m getting lots and lots of Olive, in her purest, rawest forms. We’ve had explosive diapers at IKEA, more spit up for me, the dog, or the cat to possibly calculate, and several minutes of “crying it out.”
Crying it out…it kind of makes me go to a dark place. This girl, she’s waged war on all naps and just doesn’t like to take them. She never has. But after spending so many hours with a little human you need some time to yourself and 15 minute increments every 3-4 hours just doesn’t really cut it. So yesterday I plopped her down in her crib and just let her scream for 10 minutes…like SCREAM. Screaming that made me feel like I didn’t have a clue what I was doing. Screaming that made me kind of angry after the first 6 minutes. And screaming that eventually made her tired enough to sleep for a straight 30 minutes. And then she was up and smiling and forgot how I was the worst mom in the world and cooed and giggled and scrunched up her face and told me I was her favorite mom in the whole world.
Time with Olive. It’s all I’ve ever wanted since she came out of me in that bath tub that one time.
And I’ve got all the time in the world right now and I’m breathing her in and trying to not let her down. Am I doing it right Olive?