Archive for December, 2012

Maybe it won’t be so bad

As some of you already know, I’ve been struggling with parting with Olive after my 3 months of maternity leave are up. Struggling hard. I never knew this would be an issue, just like I never knew going 9 days over my due date would be such an issue…mentally.

Ever since I pushed Olive out my maternity leave clock started clicking. The first month of her life was filled with me falling utterly and totally in love with a miniature human being like I never knew I could. Nights were filled with multiple feedings and irrational fears of how the universe surrounding us could hurt her, could hurt us.

Then month two started and the idea of going back to work became more real, I became panicky and mournful of the time I’d miss with her, the “firsts” that I’d maybe miss that I’d never get back.

When I was pregnant Alex and I shopped around for daycares and found one that came highly recommended through a few trusted sources. We met with them, signed papers, and told them we’d be back in a handful of months with a little baby they’d care for once it was time for me to go back to work. Done. No problem. Easy.

NOPE. Not easy, not even a little bit. I am now one of those mothers who totally understands the pain and heart ache that comes with leaving your little one in the morning and coming to pick her up in the evening. Pain and heart ache that would start during the early weeks of maternity leave and last until the first few weeks into going back to work.

We were fortunate enough to find a wonderful daycare that is small and cozy and filled with warmth and love. I can tell whenever I walk in that Olive will be in a nurturing environment in this couple’s home, that she’ll have adventures with her little “school” friends and that come 5pm she will have had a full day’s worth of activities that she wouldn’t get otherwise.

Of course I’d love to stay home with her, be there for her every milestone. Sometimes that’s logical and makes sense for couples, for us, right now, it just doesn’t make sense. And that’s okay, it will all be okay, I will be okay and first and foremost SHE WILL BE OKAY.

I went and got a massage today and for the 2.5 hours I was gone having my massage and enjoying lunch at a cute little cafe Olive was enjoying time with her new friends and with a wonderful couple who will care deeply for her.

The other day I realized, by sending Olive to “school” everyday she’ll have two more people in this world that will love her also. Not as much as I do, because duh (I love that little munchkin to the moon and back) but lots. They will love her lots. And for that I am we are so very grateful.

December 19, 2012 at 10:56 am 5 comments


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